Following, is my response to an old male friend - now jobless, and with a bad attitude - who asked, "How do I get a job?"
Dear Roy,
Because I've known you a long time, my candid response is based on observations I've made over such time.
Here are some things you need to start learning how to do, not only for income, but more importantly - for your self esteem.
Communicate: If your phones, emails etc. don't work, figure out how to make them work so you can either answer your phone - or get your calls or emails and respond timely.
When you tell your employer you're going to be there on such and such day at such and such time, do so. Being dependable and keeping commitments is really important.
Shift your attitude: Whether you realize it or not, most times when I ask you about something, or to do something, your first words are usually: "I can't, don't like, don't like so and so, can't do because Joy and I..., don't know how..."
Anyway, you get the gist.
I understand your proclivity towards being super critical and excessively analytical of everything, as born out of such treatment from your parents. But why you've consciously chosen to stay there is not understandable. You have a responsibility to yourself, to shift out of that gear. It has not served you well in the past, and for sure will not serve you well in the future. Therefore - to repeat doing it expecting change, is a terrible waste of time.
Here are some tips:
Critical, unhealthy thoughts:
When critical unhealthy thoughts enter your mind, choose instead to think: How will this line of thinking help the situation? Will it enhance, or make it worse? Is it necessary? Useful. What purpose will it serve? What do I expect as an end result?
If you're around a person inclined to criticize a lot, refuse to buy into it.
If it's you they're criticizing, don't bog into the damned trailer trash finger pointing. Zero in instead...on healthy solutions. If it's someone else they're being critical of, assure them you have confidence in their ability to work it out, then immediately go do something "constructive."
"Constructive" is the operative/key action here...as too often we "choose" to stay and try to "fix" the whatever the criticizer's chosen to criticize.
Choose who you hang out with, and what you bring into another's space:
I once asked an old cowboy friend, Delane Griffin (A true horse whisperer.), "What do you do when a horse starts to have a temper tantrum?"
He answered, "Well. I stop working with it. Check to make sure there's nothing the horse can hurt itself on, then walk away. I wait until the horse has completely worked itself through its tantrum, then I quietly walk back up and resume as though nothing happened. If I stayed there, I might get hurt, the horse might get hurt. Or, if I went up and started slugging the horse, the horse wouldn't have the slightest idea why I was doing that and it'd break our bond of trust."
Years and years ago, an aunt "chose" to stop doing things with her sister. Why? Because her sister "chose" to be disgusted and critical of everyone and everything all the time. That made for an unhealthy environment. One she wisely chose not to expose herself to.
When I was 16, Mom said to me one day, "Ronita. Right now I don't like you."
Shocked, I asked, "What? Why?"
She answered, "Ever since you started hanging out with Harry, you've become very judgmental, critical. You can't seem to find any thing nice to say about anyone. So, I don't like you right now."
Don't you just love people who - when they come into your space, observe what you're doing then gracefully merge into helping. They bring a happy "here. Let me help you! Sure. I can do that!" energy into your space.
Bill Ogg was a master at that. That's why the four months he lived with us went by like lightening!
He - like my friend (more like a sister) Margret - is incredibly observant, and just simply "does stuff" seamlessly with out it ever being a big deal.
He "noticed" when you needed a shovel, a lift, a hand, a whatever, and with little words spoken simply got it done!
Margret does that too. That's why we work together so well. Nothing's a big deal. Stuff just gets done.
Remember what I visited with you a while back, about "choosing what to bring into another's space...like potluck."
You can bring something so delicious everyone wants the recipe, or garbage.
Haven't you noticed how when some people come into your space, you immediately feel all the energy sucked out of the air. Always negative, down, tired, self indulged, they care less how their actions impact you...and have no clue as to how their actions come back to negatively impact themselves. They don't realize they're not "getting ahead," because they've "chosen" to "stay behind."
As compared to others who, when they come into your space energize it with smiles, electricity (think Tesla), can do, pitch right in and help attitude mixed with delightful humor etc. That's good energy The kind of energy that bounces one "ahead!"
We "choose" what to bring into another's space.
As Mom always reminded, "Ronita. There will always be people who have bigger problems than yours. Yours, my dear, are insignificant in comparison. Now. Put a smile on your face and get out there and figure out how to solve yours without dragging down anyone else...including you! No one wants to be around a sour puss!"
We humans are like tofu. We pick up the flavor of whomever we choose to be around. I stopped hanging out with Harry, and went to work on re-adjusting my behavior.
Yes - even as an old woman - I still have to be very, very cognizant of not picking up the flavor of people who just simply aren't very nice. I "choose" to stay the hell away from them!
Keeping oneself "in check" is an ever ongoing process.
You will benefit greatly when you shift - then steady your way of going as one who consistently has a spring in your step, care and concern for others, and a smile on your face.
Even though you don't "feel" like smiling, "think" smile - and it'll make you "feel" like smiling. Then you will! :-)
Develop and maintain a healthy routine and environment:
There's some truth to the saying (and I paraphrase), "Idle hands makes for mischief."
Mom would NOT allow me to go play, until I first had all my work done FIRST!
She wanted me to "develop good habits," so from the time I was old enough to move a broom, dust cloth or wash rag, that meant my bed had to be made, room clean and dishes washed before playing with my one doll.
Mom thought it best to "leave a clean house," so that you'd always "come back to a clean house."
Though I didn't understand why then, I do now; for maintaining a clean, uncluttered physical environment makes for a clean, uncluttered "mental" environment.
The chores grew as fast as I, and got to the point that whenever I sat down I heard, " you better have a book in your hand," as Mom was a great believer in - "don't fritter your time away. Use it constructively!"
My sister-in-law remembers many a weekend when she and I "had plans," and Mom "put her foot down" not letting me go because, "you don't have your chores done," followed with a, "sorry dear. You did it to yourself."
Take note of how you "fill your time." Time is like an empty vessel; you'll get out of it whatever you fill it with."
If you choose to coop yourself up inside, you risk getting barn sour.
Make sure you "do" something outside each and every day! Even if it's something as simple as picking up the trash or pulling weeds around your area, helping a neighbor clean up his or her place, reading to or playing catch with a child, running an errand for an elderly or disabled neighbor.
You are an exceptionally talented individual; capable of bringing many beautiful, wonderful things to yourself and others!
Volunteer:
There's nothing quite like helping another. That's the best medicine of all!
If you don't have the gas money, walk to the nearest facility that could use your talents. Even giving an hour a week would sum up to 52 hours a year in giving good will to someone less fortunate.
One tip about giving, never, ever give expecting something in return: whether it's money, time, whatever. Whenever you "choose" to give something, consider that as a "gift;" not something that you expect to be re-paid.
That's enough for now.
If you'd like more, I'll be happy to "gift" more to you. :-)
